Bereavement and Mourning Practices

Helping people face the death of a loved one is one of our community’s and Rabbi Betsy’s most sacred and honored duties.  The entire congregation understands that most everything else that is going on takes a back seat to this sacred service.

Our traditions around caring for our dead and their mourners contain much wisdom in the ways they honor the dead and the living — supporting our healing process as we grieve.  Often, those not familiar with a traditional Jewish funeral service and the week of Shiva tell us how much they appreciate the earnest and beautiful rituals that we conduct.  The rules and guidelines around death and mourning are some of our most necessary yet least understood mitzvot. 

Following a death, it is common to feel overwhelmed and disoriented, yet there are many arrangements to be made that cannot be made before the time of death. We urge you to preplan to the greatest extent possible, long before the need is anticipated.

The Rabbi will help answer your questions and guide you to the appropriate resources as you make all of these arrangements. It is not unusual for bereaved families to call and text the Rabbi many times prior to the funeral.

BEFORE THE FUNERAL

The Hebrew word for funeral, לוויה—levayah, essentially means “to accompany,” and that word is a good place to begin to understand the core values inherent in Jewish mourning practices, starting with the funeral.  We do our best to treat the body of the deceased with the same respect and honor we would if they were still alive as we accompany them to their final resting place. 

ANINUT

The period between a person’s death and their burial is called אנינות—Aninut.  In this period, a primary mourner may be referred to as an “o-nen” (masculine), “o-nenet” (feminine) — i.e., a person in aninut — or “o-nenim” (plural).

During the period of Aninut, the primary mourners and their close relatives focus on making the arrangements for the funeral to the exclusion of most anything else. Jewish tradition recognizes this importance and exempts aneinim from other religious duties, such as daily prayers, so that their focus can remain upon this most sacred task. Although there are no special prayers required during this time, one may always pray, and the Rabbi can be a helpful resource. During Aninut, it is traditional not to consume meat or wine. Community members respect that Aninut is a time of intense disruption and focused attention on preparing for the funeral. We refrain from calling or visiting the newly bereaved until after the funeral, unless we know that they need our help during Aninut. For this reason, we also do not hold receptions or attempt to offer condolences in person before the funeral service begins. Rather, at the funeral venue, we wait quietly for the bereaved to enter the room and take their seats.

TAHARAH and SHMIRA

Our local Chevrah Kadisha is a group of people who take on the sacred task of Taharah, preparing the body for burial.  Following our traditional practices, they wash and dress the body with the utmost respect and love.  It is a special group of people who accept this responsibility, fulfilling a mitzvah (commandment) of chesed shel emet, a selfless act of loving kindness. If you are interested in possibly joining this group of dedicated volunteers, please let the Rabbi know and she will direct you appropriately.

Shmira is our time-honored practice of sitting with (or near) the body prior to burial. The word Shmira means guarding or watching over, and shomrim (watchers) are people who fulfill the mitzvah of Shmira. Death notifications from the BIC office include an online sign-up sheet when the family requests that we help coordinate shomrim.

It is traditional for each shomer (guard) to read psalms quietly, in any language, while sitting shmira. It is also appropriate to sit quietly or meditate. You may bring a book of psalms, a siddur, or a tanakh (complete Jewish Bible). If you need a book, please contact Rabbi Betsy.

Primary mourners — defined in our tradition as the parents, siblings, children, and spouse of the deceased — are the ones who, traditionally, say Kaddish and observe the mourning periods of Shiva (seven days, starting the day of burial), Sh’loshim (marking thirty days, starting the day of burial), and the months of reciting Kaddish, which are 11 months for a parent, and 1 month for other primary relatives. Although the customary length of time for which we recite Kaddish for a parent is 11 months, the mourning period for a parent is a full year.

While our tradition defines a set of primary mourners, it does not presume to define what one can or cannot or should or should not feel. Just as every human relationship is unique, each mourner’s needs are different. We also know that sometimes an entire community experiences profound loss upon a death. That being said, the loss experienced by primary mourners is different. Modern science recognizes the therapeutic benefits of Jewish rituals and practices at times of bereavement. Our practices help us to move step by step through the grieving process.

FUNERAL PLANNING

Families work together with the funeral home and the Rabbi to set the time and location of the funeral. Typically, we bury our dead as soon as possible. However, there are situations, such as waiting for a mourner to arrive from out of town, or for the cemetery workers to thaw frozen ground, which allow for a delay. Most Jewish funerals take place towards the first part of the day (Jerusalem has a unique custom of burying the dead at night) to show the importance of the task since we do not put it off for other tasks, and also because it is hard to have the impending funeral looming once the day has come.  The bereaved family should make sure that people outside our community are informed of the death and funeral information. We will work with you to send an email announcement to our community, and the Jewish Federation of Madison will publish pertinent details in their online listing of deaths and funerals.

Rabbi Betsy will meet with your family prior to the day of the funeral for about two hours. The pre-funeral family meeting can be a precious and meaningful time for the family to assemble and prepare for the burial of their loved one. Rabbi Betsy will go to your home for this meeting. She likes to include all close relatives, including grandchildren. As memories and thoughts are shared, Rabbi Betsy will gather information to prepare a fitting hesped (eulogy). It is most helpful to be open and share as much personal insight as possible, while avoiding false or exaggerated praise. It is not unusual for mixed emotions and difficult aspects of relationships to surface during these conversations. Rest assured that the Rabbi uses discretion in what she shares publicly, and feel free to ask that certain information be left unsaid at the funeral. It is helpful to show a few photos to the Rabbi and to give the Rabbi copies of (or links to) obituaries and other works that feature key aspects of your loved one’s life experiences.

Some families choose to hold funeral services at Beth Israel Center (in the main sanctuary), others choose to use a funeral chapel, and some choose a graveside service.

The bereaved family selects pallbearers for funerals held in a chapel or sanctuary, although in the case of a graveside service, the funeral home staff can place the casket at the grave, replacing the need for pallbearers. When pallbearers are used, they should have the strength to help each other carry the aron (casket). It is customary not to choose immediate family members of the deceased, but choosing grandchildren offers them a beautiful way to be of service. In addition to the six who are needed, some also choose honorary pallbearers to walk alongside the entourage. Our congregation welcomes pallbearers of any faith and any gender.

ON THE DAY OF THE FUNERAL

It is wise to arrange for a house sitter during the funeral. We can help with this. For example, during the funeral, members of the BIC Shiva Team can be at your home setting up your meal of consolation, as well as helping to set up the room(s) where you can receive condolence calls.

Just before the funeral service begins, Rabbi Betsy will guide you through the ritual of Kriah, when we tear our garment (or a ribbon) as an outward sign of mourning. Kriah is a centuries-old practice. We stand as we perform it, showing that we face grief directly and that we trust we will survive, even without after our beloved departed. Before we tear, we say the biblical words of Job, “The Eternal has given, and the Eternal has taken. Blessed be the Name of the Eternal.” We also recite a short brakhah (blessing) that affirms our faith and our acknowledgement that the mystery of life and death lies beyond our grasp. The torn garment (or ribbon) is worn for the duration of Shiva, except on Shabbat. Some choose to wear it for 30 days. For parents, we place the ribbon and tear on our left side; for all others, we tear on the right side.

Regardless of where the service begins, we almost always accompany the bereaved to the cemetery, where all those present are encouraged to participate in the mitzvah of Chesed Shel Emet by helping to fill the grave with earth. This shows our respect for the departed and supports the mourners. This act has been shown to be of great psychological benefit for the mourners. We do our best to complete the burial together, weather and stamina permitting, to the best of our ability.

After the burial, all of our attention turns to those in mourning. Mourners recite the Mourners Kaddish, and everyone else responds at the appropriate places. The last thing we do prior to leaving the cemetery is form two lines for the primary mourners to pass through, as the traditional words of comfort are offered: “HaMakom y’nacheim et-chem b’toch sh’ar aveilei tziyon vi’rushalayim” (May God comfort you together with all of the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem). A mourner is known as an avel (masculine) or aveilah (feminine), aveilim (plural), or a person in Aveilut, which refers to this stage of mourning.

The first two rituals upon arriving home after the burial are hand washing and eating the Se’udat Hav’ra’ah (meal of consolation). The hand washing tradition symbolically separates us from physical contact with the dead. Since the destruction of the Temple, we no longer hold by ancient notions of impurity relating to contact with death, but we retain this ritual to remind ourselves that we do not grieve in a vacuum, but rather join together with Jewish people all over the world who, for millennia, have stood at the juncture between burying their dead and beginning the grieving process. It helps to know that we are held by hands we cannot see and a tradition that connects us to a larger whole.

The Se’udat Hav’ra’ah is meant to affirm life in the face of death; even in our grief, we also must sustain ourselves, starting with a meal. This is meant to be a time for the bereaved to rest and reflect among themselves. It is the responsibility of the community to arrange for the meal of consolation, and this meal is our first formal place to offer support. Often, close friends or extended family prepare and serve the meal, which, traditionally, includes bread (or bagels), hard-boiled eggs, and other round food, such as lentils, peas, and sliced fruits and vegetables. These foods symbolize the origins of life and its cyclical nature, with times of joy as well as times of sorrow. Beth Israel Center volunteers are prepared to help prepare and serve the meal, in lieu of, or in partnership with, close friends or extended family of the primary mourners.

In smaller Jewish communities like ours, customs from the surrounding culture often find their ways into our own practices. Such has been the case in our community with the Seudat Havra’ah, and Shiva more broadly. Something we are beginning to learn in our community is that the Se’udat Hav’ra’ah, and gatherings at a Shiva home, are gatherings different in kind from any other and are not meant to be times for community members to catch up with one another. Rather, we focus on the mourners and their needs. In traditional practice, only the bereaved eat at the Seudat Hav'ra’ah. Others may help serve the meal. We are beginning to integrate those understandings into our practices and have a team of volunteers, plus staff, who are prepared to help make these arrangements.

SHIVA

Loss never leaves us, but we learn to live with it, and Shiva is where that process often begins.

Shiva starts immediately upon the mourners’ return home from the funeral. The purpose of Shiva, which comes from the Hebrew word for seven, is to provide a protective and supported environment for mourning. The rabbis of the Talmud, writing nearly two thousand years ago, recognized that Shiva is a complex time. Mourning tends to come in waves of emotion made up of joyful memories which are confronted by the ever growing sad and aching realization of permanent loss. The traditional Shiva lasts seven days under normal circumstances, and we recommend that mourners give themselves the full week to grieve and permit the community to care for them.

The day of the funeral counts as the first day, and one hour of the seventh day counts as the last, full day. Shiva is suspended during Shabbat, although the day of Shabbat still counts as one of the 7 days. If a major holiday, such as Pesach, Shavuot, Sukkot, Rosh Hashanah, or Yom Kippur falls during the Shiva period, Shiva concludes on the eve of the festival and does not resume afterward. The Rabbi will help you to calculate days based on your circumstances.

Ideally, mourners will be able to stay together at the place where Shiva is observed as much as possible. If they cannot, they may choose to sleep in their own homes (or hotels) and return to the Shiva house each morning. When we are sitting Shiva, we have the opportunity to take a week off from all other obligations. We do not go to work during this time, because our tradition recognizes that when a major change has taken place in our lives, we need to step out of everyday thoughts and concerns in order to make room for our hearts and souls to metabolize what has happened. If returning to work during Shiva is unavoidable, we do our best to observe at least three full days, and return to the Shiva home and resume Shiva at the end of the remaining work days.

A number of practices go along with Shiva. We light a 7-day memorial candle (provided by the funeral home) when we return from the cemetery. If the Shiva home is limited by building restrictions and you are not allowed to burn a live flame there, we can provide an electric memorial candle for the week of Shiva. During the week of Shiva, we avoid forms of entertainment such as television and movies. Other customs include not wearing leather shoes and sitting on low stools or sofas and chairs with the upholstery removed, emphasizing that we change the way we live during this time. We refrain from sexual relations during Shiva. Unlike other mourning periods, during Shiva, it is not customary to forgo meat or wine, and we do care for our personal hygiene.

There is also a custom of covering mirrors in the Shiva home. One explanation for this is that we emphasize that mourners and those who come to comfort them should not be expected to be concerned with outward appearances. This underscores the point that while Shiva is a critical pillar of our community, it is not a social event.

During Shiva, mourners recite Kaddish in the presence of a minyan (quorum of 10 Jewish adults). The Rabbi will help you determine what times will be best each day. Typically, our congregational afternoon/evening services are moved to the Shiva home. Some mourners choose to come to morning minyan at Beth Israel Center during Shiva. Others prefer that all Shiva minyanim take place at the Shiva home. We will provide kippot and our specially designed Shiva siddurim (prayer books). Our siddur contains readings for a Shiva home, transliteration, and helpful translations. We can also provide other items you may need, such as folding chairs. Mourners who are able to lead services are encourage to do so during Shiva. The Rabbi and other congregants will help to make sure that someone is present to lead the services if no mourners are able to do so. Shiva minyanim do not take place at home on Shabbat and Jewish holidays; rather mourners are encouraged to attend services at Beth Israel Center (online or in person) if they are able.

SHIVA VISITS: The role of the community

Shiva calls are the community’s primary means of fulfilling the important mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim, comforting mourners. We want to help mourners know that they are not isolated and are held in love. People who are grieving need space to grieve in the presence of community. And the role of visitors to a shiva house is to hear whatever the mourners have to say — even when there are no words. We do not hold back our grief. It is expected and often helpful for those in mourning to express any and all emotions that come with grieving and loss.

While we often say, “so and so is sitting Shiva for their relative”, we should not take that to be literally true. The main purpose of Shiva is to create a cocoon-like space for the mourners’ emotional and spiritual processing of loss. We believe it is critically important to take the time our tradition offers to sit in sadness, held in love by a supportive community. We understand that the emotional energy from our grief and other unresolved emotions needs to be worked out, lest it find its way into our lives in less healthy ways as we move forward. We may choose to share the memories of the departed during that week, but we sit Shiva primarily for our own emotional and spiritual well-being. 

We care for our mourners in a number of ways.  The principle to follow is that we bring what they need to them.  In particular, we bring them food—physical sustenance; we bring them minyan—a spiritual response; and we bring them our presence—to help fill the void and accompany them through this time.  We can derive from this principle that the facets of Shiva are not meant to be a burden to the mourners.  In fact, quite the opposite.  We are meant to be there to serve their needs. Typically we enter the home without knocking and we do not expect the mourners to rise or greet us or to serve us. Instead, we ask what we can bring to them where they are seated.

For many of us, the hardest but most important way to fulfill this mitzvah is being present with the mourner and offering them our full attention.  We want to say the right thing, but we fear not knowing what it is.  Silence may make us uncomfortable. That is ok. There is no “right” thing to say; there are, however, helpful things to do. You may begin with the traditional Ashkenazi words of comfort (HaMakom y’nacheim et-chem b’toch sh’ar aveilei tziyon vi’rushalayim — May God comfort you together with all of the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem), or the traditional Sepharadi words of comfort (Min HaShamayim tanchumu — May you be comforted from Heaven). You may also choose a simple expression of sympathy like “I am so sorry” or “may you find comfort.” It is also appropriate simply to sit down with the mourner and wait. In any case, we do our best to let the mourner lead the conversation where they need it to go.  If that is small talk, so be it; don’t try to force a serious, emotional conversation on them. They may want to share stories or to hear remembrances. Contrary to what we might have thought, talking about the deceased can be helpful to mourners as they begin to move through their grief and loss. Whether the mourner wants to speak with seriousness or with levity, to engage in small talk, or sit and cry, we offer our compassionate presence.

We do not need to give advice. Our role as a visitor is to listen, take our cues from the mourners, and refrain from offering words of comfort that shift the focus from what is real for the mourner at that moment. Saying “time heals all wounds” or “this too shall pass” diverts the mourner’s attention from the necessary work of processing their loss.

Mourners should not be put in a position where they might feel obliged to serve refreshments or invite visitors to partake of what others may have brought. If refreshments are provided, they should be minimal and not a source of attention. We must understand that the most helpful thing we can do at a Shiva visit may not be to eat and socialize with other visitors. Many mourners may find a party-like atmosphere painful or discomfiting. The goal is to support them according to their need. If they wish, we can surround the mourners with conversation, without a table laden with refreshments. We can share memories and stories of their loved one if they want to hear them. And, if they want us to bring food to share when we go to the shiva home, we can do so. Knowing that needs may change, our office will keep the community informed of each family’s need.

There is no “right” time for a shiva visit. Schedules are set by the mourners and publicized to the community. A Shiva visit may be short or long. It is important to show up, even if we can only stay for a short time. Visitors should do their best to stay as long as it is helpful without overstaying, especially if it is growing late in the evening.

Rather than assuming we should bring plated foods with us when we visit, our community coordinates the food the mourners need, which varies from one shiva home to another. Each Shiva has a coordinator. If you would like to provide food during Shiva and do not know who the coordinator is, please contact the BIC office (bic@bethisraelcenter.org or 608-256-7763).

Click here for our shiva coordinators’ planner.

MOURNING AFTER SHIVA

Every person’s grief has its own trajectory. The length of formal Jewish mourning periods varies according to the mourner’s relation to the deceased. For all but parents, the mourning period known as Aveilut ends with Sh’loshim, 30 days from the day of the burial. For parents, the mourning period lasts 12 Hebrew months.

Following Shiva, for the remainder of Sh’loshim, mourners begin to resume their regular activities at work and at home. However, mourners in Sh’loshim traditionally refrain from festive activities such as going to concerts, shows, movies, dances, or parties. During Sh’loshim, tradition also calls for not wearing new clothing, getting haircuts, or shaving facial hair. When mourning a parent, customs following Sh’loshim vary. Jewish tradition offers protections from rushing back into regular life, and the Rabbi can help you to figure out which practices feel right for you.

We continue to recite Kaddish for primary relatives during Sh’loshim. For parents, typically we recite Kaddish for a full 11 months, even though the mourning period for a parent is 12 months. It is okay to recite Kaddish for a full year, even if you are not mourning a parent, and for some, it brings comfort to do so, as attending minyan offers regularity in life and social contact with others at a disconcerting time. We do not transfer our obligation to say Kaddish to others, nor can a dying person relieve others of the traditional requirement to say Kaddish. That is because Kaddish is for the mourners.

Yahrzeit (day of memorial) is observed each year on the date of death, typically on the Hebrew calendar. Rabbi Betsy and the synagogue office will help make sure you know the yahrzeit date. On the Yahrzeit it is traditional to make charitable donations to organizations that perpetuate the values and honor the memory of the deceased. We also light a 24-hour Yahrzeit candle and recite the Mourners Kaddish with a minyan. Our custom is to invite Yahrzeit observers to share brief words of memory following the service, if they wish.

Grief follows its own timeline and sometimes resurfaces even when we thought we had moved past it. Rabbi Betsy is here for you and eager to support you throughout your journey of bereavement and mourning. It is not unusual for her to receive calls many months after a death. It is okay to call even if you don’t know what to say. She will understand and help you hold and process your feelings as they come.

OTHER TRADITIONS and CUSTOMS

Simple Casket - Our tradition has long stood for simplicity in funerals and mourning. A simple wooden aron (casket) is preferred. It is not consonant with our practice to use a metal casket or even to use an ornate casket made of wood. You can give your loved one’s tallit to the funeral home if you would like for it to be wrapped around them for burial; this is a custom and is not required. No other objects are buried inside the aron with the body.

Cremation is not in keeping with Jewish tradition, which sees cremation as a sign of disrespect. Especially since the Holocaust, some see it as more profoundly disturbing. It also delays funerary rites. However, when cremation is done at the firm request of the deceased or the mourners, we can hold a memorial service and we can bury the cremated remains in our cemetery. Rabbi Betsy will work with you lovingly in this situation.

Organ Donation - We permit and support the choice of organ donation, so long as remains can be buried after those donations have been taken. This is pursuant to the Conservative Rabbinate’s determination that organ donation is not only permitted, but encouraged. For questions regarding autopsy and/or embalming, contact the Rabbi directly.

Flowers are not part of Jewish mourning practice. We do not typically display them at the funeral or the Shiva home. In the spirit of honoring the memory of our loved ones by helping the living, it is appropriate to recommend that donations be directed to the synagogue and/or other organizations that were important to the deceased. If you receive flowers, we recommend that you share them with the living by giving them to a local organization where they may provide joy to others.

Dedicating the Grave Marker (Headstone) - Marking the grave with the name of the interred is required from the time of burial. This may be done in a simple way by the cemetery until a more substantial headstone is installed. Rabbi Betsy regularly assists in the ordering of Hebrew (or Yiddish) inscriptions. Customs vary for the timing of placing and dedicating the permanent grave marker. It may be done as soon as it is ready, and there is no need to wait. In our community, it is common to unveil the headstone around the time when Kaddish stops (around the 11th month for a parent and at one month for other relations. A rabbi’s presence is not necessary when a headstone is unveiled, but Rabbi Betsy is honored to be invited to lead a brief ceremony which typically includes selections from Psalms or other passages from the Hebrew Bible, the Memorial Prayer (“El Malei Rakhamim”), and Mourners Kaddish, if a minyan is present.

RESOURCES FURTHER READING:

Saying Kaddish by Anita Diamant. 1998: Schocken Books.

The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning, Revised and Expanded by Maurice Lamm. 1969, 2000: Jonathan and David Publishers, Inc.

Does the Soul Survive? A Jewish Journey to Belief in Afterlife, Past Lives & Living with Purpose by Rabbi Elie Kaplan Spitz. 2000: Jewish Lights Publishing.

The Death of Death: Resurrection and Immortality in Jewish Thought by Neil Gillman. 1997: Jewish Lights Publishing.